


Deserving of Life

by SighOfLethe



Series: Galatea [3]
Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: F/F, Mutual AsuKyuu, One-sided AsuRei, Post-2.22, Post-3.0
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 11:06:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17724011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SighOfLethe/pseuds/SighOfLethe
Summary: When Asuka asked her to think for herself, an Ayanami sister listened. Now she journeys through deserts made by the follies of humanity... but she is not alone. (demi-sequel to Galatea and Counting Elegy)





	1. Deserving of Life

**Author's Note:**

> Happy AsuKyu day, everyone! This is technically a few minutes late in my timezone due to a certain Exciting Thing, but enjoy it anyway. It's still AsuKyu day somewhere!
> 
> Also, you can blame Xairathan for this one. I was challenged to write a songfic, so... I did. Important listening, probably: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiNKk3fPed8

_I met someone I liked_

When Asuka sees the other girl in the desert, it’s all she can do to remain calm. Asuka wants to rush over to her, check her for injuries, make sure she’s not just a mirage. Her hand begins to reach out almost before she realizes it, a welcoming greeting already forming on her lips.

“Hey, you’re that pilot,” she says instead, seamlessly transitioning her arm motion into placing her hand on her hip. She makes sure to grip tightly, so that she doesn’t lose control again. “One of the original Ayanami batch, huh?”

Her voice is light, as if the Ayanami sister means nothing to her.

Her throat is tight, because the Ayanami sister means everything to her.

The Ayanami sister nods.

_we unmistakably touched_

“Do you have a name?” Asuka asks.

The Ayanami sister opens her mouth, pauses, and closes it again. She shakes her head.

“Kyuu,” Asuka says, striding forward and holding out her hand. “Your name is Kyuu. I’m Asuka.”

Your name is the number of my sins, she does not say.

Kyuu stares at Asuka’s hand, then gingerly takes it in her own. Asuka blinks back tears.

For a single perfect moment, nothing in the world exists except for their joined hands.

_Asphalt over dirt_

But nothing good lasts forever.

“We need to get moving,” Asuka tells Kyuu, reluctantly letting go so that she can take a look at her navigator. “It’s not safe for the Lilin to pick us up here. Can you carry that idiot so that I can keep an eye on this and make sure we’re going the right way?”

“Yes,” Kyuu whispers. She slowly moves over to where Shinji has collapsed once more into the sand and pulls him to his feet, draping one of his arms over her shoulders.

“Thanks,” Asuka mutters. She casts her gaze out over the skyline — there’s nothing but red sand as far as the eye can see, broken up only by the occasional corpse of an apartment or office building.

This was a city once, but now it’s a desert that rejects human life. Fitting that it’s red, Asuka thinks. Asuka wears red, and she’s rejected human life, too.

Their trek through the desert is slow — Kyuu needs to drag Shinji along, because he seems to have forgotten how to walk. Normally this would infuriate Asuka, but she’s finding it difficult to get angry with Kyuu so close. After so long, after so many failures, Asuka has finally managed to save one of the Ayanami sisters.

_skin over steel_

Asuka wants nothing more than to talk to Kyuu, to get to know the quirks that make her different from the Rei she remembers so vividly, but she doesn’t know where to begin. She finds herself hoping in vain that Kyuu will start a conversation, but of course she doesn’t. Kyuu, like Asuka, is more of a weapon than a person.

That will change, Asuka vows. She’ll help Kyuu learn how to feel, like Rei had.

Asuka ignores the fact that she herself has forgotten how to feel anything but loss — she’ll make do.

_If we instinctively choose warmth instead of the cold_

They stop when night comes. Asuka’s night vision is as unnatural as the rest of her, but the other two only have human eyesight — traveling would be dangerous. Kyuu could get hurt.

That, Asuka supposes, and they need to get sleep at some point. If it were just her she would press on until she was back aboard the Wunder, but Kyuu needs rest, and so they stop.

Kyuu seems relieved to have a break from dragging the idiot around, and Asuka understands completely. She would just ditch the boy if it weren’t for the fact that it would infuriate Misato.

Asuka watches protectively as Kyuu lies down and attempts to sleep, using Asuka’s jacket as a pillow.

But night in the desert is cold, and Kyuu’s shivering prevents her from falling asleep. Asuka doesn’t even notice herself moving as she lies down alongside the other girl and pulls her into a hug, sharing the heat that has seemed to fill her body ever since the day she woke into a nightmare.

Kyuu relaxes against her, and sleep claims them both.

_Then our dirt-covered faces_

When they awake come morning and rise to their feet, their bodies are covered in red sand. Asuka makes a vain attempt to brush it off of her clothing, but it stubbornly refuses to budge. She sighs and looks up to find Kyuu copying her actions, seemingly without understanding what she is doing.

Asuka can’t help but smile at the sight. She had never imagined one of the Ayanami sisters, always so carefully controlled, making such clumsy motions. It’s cute, and more importantly, reminds Asuka that Kyuu has broken away from the strict formality that Gendo Ikari had demanded of her.

But no matter how adorably Kyuu flails at the sand on her plugsuit there’s no helping their condition, so Asuka gets her attention and they press on. It takes three days, and Asuka’s supply of water nearly runs out, but they make it to safety.

_are deserving of life_

Or what should have been safety.

“She’s not a danger to us,” Asuka spits, fiery as any dragon. “She’s here of her own free will, just like I am!”

“That’s not up to you to determine,” Misato replies, her voice carrying the same frigid air as the nights that Asuka and Kyuu braved in the desert. Asuka instinctively pulls the other girl into her arms, sharing her warmth once more to remind Kyuu that she is not alone.

Kyuu molds against her side so perfectly that, had the situation been any less dire, Asuka would have been able to close her eyes and fall asleep, forgetting the cruelty of the world.

But that isn’t possible when that cruelty is staring her right in the eye, claiming to be hurting her for her own good.

_There are those who snarl that we’re overreaching_

“She could be a spy, Asuka,” Misato tells her mercilessly. “Gendo Ikari is a clever man. If he found out about your obsession with the Ayanami clones, this is exactly the kind of trick he’d pull to destroy us from the inside.”

“Maybe so!” Asuka snaps. “But that’s not why Kyuu is here! She’s no spy. I’ll stake my life on it!”

“Your feelings do you credit,” Dr. Akagi says, tone sympathetic despite her hard eyes, “but they’re blinding you to the most likely scenario. I was involved in the adjustment process for the Ayanami-types, and I can assure you that their loyalty to Gendo is nearly unshakable. It’s not safe to let her on board the ship.”

Misato sighs. “We can let her live, if you insist,” she concedes. “But we can’t let her onto the Wunder. There’s just too much risk.”

_but we’ll sing of their hypocrisy_

“And what about the idiot?” Asuka growls, kicking Shinji’s prone form. “What will you do with him?”

“The same as before,” Misato replies. “We’ll lock him up — but we’ll do a better job of it this time.”

“He’s not ‘too much of a risk?’” Asuka asks, leaning forward, eye boring into Misato’s. “The boy who piloted for Gendo Ikari — again — and almost destroyed the world — again — is safer than Kyuu, who rejected Ikari?”

Misato freezes.

Asuka smiles, the expression cruel, and lets the bark of a hyena escape from her mouth. “You hypocrite,” she coos.

_If you need a reason to push forward_

“Shinji is easier to isolate,” Misato defends weakly. “Gendo might have put some kind of recording device in the clone, or even a bomb.”

“And Dr. Akagi can’t scan for that?” Asuka demands incredulously. “All of that equipment she’s got, and you don’t think she can find a damn bomb?”

Asuka can’t believe that they’re being so stupid about this. It’s clear enough to her: Kyuu decided to live for herself instead of die for Gendo Ikari, and chose to accompany Asuka through the desert.

More than that, Asuka owes Kyuu her life.

If Kyuu hadn’t chosen to eject, Asuka would have been forced to kill her, and had that happened then Asuka would have followed soon after.

Asuka has stained her hands with the blood of enough Ayanami sisters already. She can’t stomach even one more.

_Be it anger, or something else_

And so Asuka’s blood roars in her veins, demanding that she fight with everything she has. Her fury is her entire world, demanding that she protect Kyuu from these foolish, fearful Lilin. The curse in her left eye pulses, the pain providing the focus she needs to think through the rage.

“If you won’t let her come with us, then I’m staying,” Asuka declares bluntly, arm tightening around Kyuu’s body. “I won’t abandon her.”

“Asuka…” Misato sighs.

_it is deserving of life_

“What’s all this, then?” a cheerful voice calls, and Mari drops down from the ship. She lands lightly on her feet, as she always does, and prowls forward. Her eyes are fixed on Kyuu. “Hello there,” she greets. “I’m Mari. Who’re you?”

Kyuu looks at her in silence for a moment, and then: “Kyuu,” she whispers.

“Glad to meet ya!” Mari declares. She spins around, the motion taking her to Asuka’s side, and she glares at Misato.

Asuka’s heart swells.

“Not you, too,” Misato groans, rubbing her forehead.

“Sorry, boss,” Mari chirps, “but you’re gonna have to let Kyuu here onto the ship unless you wanna lose both of your pilots.”

“We’ll let her on board, on two conditions,” Dr. Akagi says, and Misato shoots her a betrayed look. “I need to scan her for implants, and the two of you need to watch her closely to ensure she’s not a danger to us.”

“Sounds good,” Mari says, before Asuka can tell Dr. Akagi where she can stick her ‘conditions.’

_For the sun to rise and dry my spilled tears_

As Asuka had expected, Dr. Akagi’s scans find nothing. She drags Kyuu to the cafeteria, where they collect their first real meal since before the desert, and then to Asuka’s room so that they can eat in peace.

Halfway through eating, Asuka realizes that this isn’t a dream and finds herself crying too hard to chew.

“Asuka?” Kyuu asks, tilting her head.

Asuka smiles at Kyuu through her tears, but can’t seem to form words.

Kyuu helplessly dabs at the liquid spilling down over Asuka’s cheeks with a napkin, clearly at a loss for what to do.

Asuka cries harder even as her smile widens to cover her entire face.

_Patiently and tirelessly I wait and wait_

She’s been waiting for this for so long. Her sins had piled up one after another, Ayanami sister after Ayanami sister choosing to die rather than abandon Gendo Ikari and his mad plans. But Kyuu…

Kyuu listened, and ejected, and lived. Kyuu followed Asuka through a desert.

Kyuu, in her own way, is trying to provide comfort for the pain she knows that Asuka is feeling.

_I’ve continued reaching, since that day it all fell apart_

There’s pain. There’s so much pain.

Asuka’s cracked world shattered into a million pieces when she was woken and learned that Rei was dead, learned that her failures had resulted in the death of her first love.

The shattered pieces of Asuka’s world had been ground into dust under the heels of Gendo Ikari, who sent Ayanami sister after Ayanami sister out into the world, and Misato Katsuragi, who sent Asuka out to kill them.

Even so, Asuka never stopped trying to talk to the Ayanami sisters, never gave up on the hope that one of them might choose to live for herself.

And Kyuu did.

_For the morning I will be redeemed_

Kyuu did, but it’s far too late for Asuka.

“I’m sorry,” Asuka chokes out. “I’m so sorry.”

She can never be forgiven for what she’s done, she knows this, but she will do everything in her power to help Kyuu learn to live. It’s the only atonement she can perform.

“It’s okay,” Kyuu tells her.

But it’s not.

_It’s worth destroying the world for the warmth I seek_

Asuka gazes at Kyuu, taking in the details of her face.

Rei had a little scar on the left side of her face, just under her hairline.

Kyuu’s face is unblemished.

Rei had this way of looking at you, a wide-eyed, unblinking stare.

Kyuu blinks a little too often, and her gaze tends to drift back and forth.

Kyuu is distinct. She’s not a clone.

None of them are.

And Asuka knows that she will do anything to protect Kyuu, whether it’s laying down her life or starting the next Impact herself. If the only way to defend Kyuu from the world is to destroy the world, Asuka will do it in a heartbeat.

_We could not be together_

It’s the least she can do, she who hadn't even been able to protect a dinner party to preserve Rei's smile. She who hadn’t been there when Rei died, who hadn’t been able to save Rei or sacrifice herself in Rei’s place.

Asuka knows Rei had eyes for Shinji, not her, and while a part of her will always hate Shinji for that, she thinks that she could have been happy as nothing more than Rei’s friend. When she relives that final phone call, she likes to think that she might have even been able to call herself Rei’s best friend.

But she’ll never know, because Asuka absorbed an Angel and was sealed away and Rei died.

_Loneliness with loneliness_

Asuka spends her days with Kyuu in near-silence, the pair rarely venturing out from Asuka’s tiny room. Mari brings them their meals and chats away at them, never seeming to mind that they don’t reply.

Asuka is more grateful to Mari than she could ever hope to express. Mari had been the only one who provided Asuka with any kind of support over the years, and she had been the one who ultimately saved Kyuu.

And now the chatty pilot is the one teaching Kyuu about the world, because Asuka can’t find the words to do so herself.

Asuka wants to talk to Kyuu, and sometimes when they lock eyes she thinks that Kyuu wants to talk to her, but neither of them knows how to begin. Neither of them knows what it’s like to open up to someone, not really.

And Mari, wonderful, precious Mari, understands that and shows them the way.

_What happened on those travels?_

Kyuu likes Asuka.

She likes the girl’s red hair and blue eye, likes the way she smiles when she looks at Kyuu or listens to one of Mari’s strange jokes.

She likes the warmth that Asuka’s body exudes, enjoys falling asleep cuddled up against her.

She likes how Asuka defended her, admires how she was willing to give up her life to be with Kyuu.

But for all that she likes Asuka, Kyuu doesn’t think that she understands her at all.

What happened to make Asuka into who she is?

Kyuu is broken because Gendo Ikari left her unfinished, a marble sculpture of a goddess only half-carved and left forgotten in a dark basement.

But Asuka is different. She was born whole, with a soul of her own, and grew up as a human.

Even so, Asuka is as broken as Kyuu.

_That habit of laughing away pain_

And so she asks Mari, when Asuka is in the bathroom.

“What makes a person break, huh,” Mari murmurs. “Heavy question there.”

For the first time, Kyuu sees Mari without a smile. The normally-cheery girl’s eyes are distant, and her words come slowly.

“People need love,” Mari tells her. “Without love, the only question is how long it takes for someone to collapse. And some of us… some of us aren’t lucky at all. We find love, only for it to be ripped right out of our hearts.” Her hand reaches up to her face, fingers gently brushing the frame of her glasses.

Mari is broken too, Kyuu realizes.

“Can people be fixed?” she asks.

“By love,” Mari tells her.

_There wouldn’t have been much to regret_

Kyuu shrinks in on herself. “Oh,” she says.

Kyuu isn’t human. That had always been a simple fact for her, not something she had any reason to care about.

But she regrets it now, having been created rather than born, having been made as a blasphemous fusion of Angel and human.

Asuka is broken, and Kyuu wants to fix her, but Kyuu is not human.

She is not worthy to love Asuka.

_If only we didn’t have a heart_

“She loves you,” Mari says.

Kyuu’s heart skips a beat, and she places her hand on her chest in wonder.

Mari smiles at her. “You have a heart, too,” she says. “Don’t forget that.”

Kyuu has a heart.

She has a heart.

She… has a heart.

Kyuu gazes at Mari with wide eyes, mouth open even though her question refuses to leave her throat.

But she doesn’t need to give voice to her thoughts, not to Mari.

“You can love,” Mari promises her.

Kyuu has a heart, and it is warm.

_I made a friend, we shared ideals_

“Asuka,” Kyuu says. It’s her favorite word, she thinks. Just saying it is enough to fill her body with a comforting warmth, enough to make her feel like she’s not alone.

“Yes?” Asuka asks.

Kyuu just smiles and leans against Asuka’s side, resting her head on the other girl’s shoulder. The ever-present tension in Asuka’s body seems to slip away, and she wraps her arm around Kyuu.

“Thank you,” Kyuu tells her.

When Asuka recovers from her shock and looks down at her companion, intending to ask what she means, she finds that Kyuu has fallen asleep.

She smiles, rests her head on top of Kyuu’s, and enjoys the moment.

_We headed forward, our strides were the same_

They’re still silent, most days, but it’s no longer awkward; their silence is that of friends who need no words to communicate, not lonely children desperately seeking a way to voice their feelings. Mari visits less and less, always making sure to knock before entering and shooting Kyuu knowing looks as she leaves. Asuka isn’t sure what to make of that, but it puts a cute blush on Kyuu’s cheeks, so she doesn’t mind.

Kyuu has been smiling more — or, to be more accurate, she never seems to stop smiling. It’s not a big smile, just a slight curve of her lips, but it makes her eyes shine and lights up her entire face. Just looking at her is enough to make Asuka smile, too — Asuka who had not smiled in years, Asuka who had thought she no longer knew how.

Being around Kyuu makes her feel alive again.

_I’d even stomach betrayal_

So of course Misato almost ruins everything.

Dr. Akagi seems content to trust Asuka and Mari when they say that Kyuu is on their side, but Misato remembers the pain of the Ikaris’ betrayal all too well. If Shinji, who was like a son to her, could betray them, why not Kyuu?

And so it is that Asuka, on one of her rare trips out of her room, discovers that Misato has planted armed guards nearby to watch for suspicious activity and given them orders to shoot first, ask questions later. She storms to Misato’s quarters and kicks down the door, her fury a physical force, and demands that the woman explain herself.

But no explanation can satisfy her, and her eye demands blood.

It is Kyuu who stops her, who rushes into the room and wraps shaking arms around her waist. It is Kyuu who begs that Asuka understand that Misato’s actions are born of fear, not malice, and that she has good reason to be wary.

Asuka collapses into Kyuu’s arms and allows herself to be carried back to her room.

Misato doesn’t remove the guards.

_The nights we drank till dawn_

“You need to relax,” Mari says, slinging her arm around Asuka’s shoulders.

Asuka makes to protest, but Kyuu nods and the words die in her throat. “Fine,” she mutters.

Mari grins and reaches into her bag, pulling out bottle after bottle of cheap beer.

Mari’s taste, Asuka thinks as she reluctantly accepts a bottle, is absolutely awful. But Kyuu is willing to drink, so Asuka will as well.

She loses track of how many bottles she consumes, but at some point Mari disappears and Asuka is left alone with a swaying Kyuu.

_sprawled on the side of the road_

“I hate this,” Asuka slurs, tipping over and resting her head in Kyuu’s lap.

Kyuu doesn’t ask what she means, just strokes her hair with fingers made clumsy by inebriation.

Kyuu understands, Asuka thinks. They’re in the same situation, after all: inhuman strangers wearing human faces, surrounded by people who let fear rule them. Asuka and Kyuu have no idea what will come next, no idea where their lives are going.

No idea if they have lives to go anywhere.

They hate this.

_are deserving of life_

Kyuu leans down, lips brushing Asuka’s ear. “I don’t,” she whispers.

Asuka’s throat tightens, and she realizes that she doesn’t, either; not really. She can’t, not when she’s here with Kyuu. The path to this moment was more painful than words can ever express, but the moment itself is perfect.

And Asuka wants to live. She wants to see what comes next, wants to see what kind of life she can have with Kyuu. She lets out a sob and grabs Kyuu’s hand, squeezing it tightly.

_We kept searching for something, to replace what we’d lost_

Asuka has lost so much, and Kyuu has never had anything to lose. They’re empty vessels, pretending to be whole.

But when Asuka looks at Kyuu, when she sees Kyuu’s smile, it’s like the other girl is overflowing with emotions. Asuka wants to drink deeply of those, fill herself up with them until she forgets what loneliness is and has no other thought in her mind but Kyuu.

She wants to forget Misato and Gendo and Shinji and Eva and Impacts, wants to forget her mother and the fact that she’s more Angel than human and even Mari.

She wants to live and breathe nothing but Kyuu.

_Perhaps it’s not so, and loss is the solution_

But Asuka doesn’t have that right, does she? Not after what she’s done.

Not after she couldn’t save Rei, not after all of the Ayanami sisters she’s killed.

If she allows herself to be happy, she’ll be betraying the memory of all of the innocent blood on her hands.

She knows Kyuu loves her — how could she not, with the way the girl says her name? with the way she smiles at her? — but Asuka doesn’t have the right to love her back.

She would only make Kyuu miserable, anyway.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “It’s too late.”

_Hoping for the tables to turn, knowing that it’s not impossible_

Kyuu’s heart almost breaks at those words, their meaning all too clear to her — but she grips Asuka’s hand painfully tightly and shakes her head.

“It’s not,” she promises. Asuka gives her a disbelieving stare, and so she continues: “I ejected.”

“That’s different,” Asuka protests. “I’ve killed so many of your sister-”

_Even the footsteps that trailed off, should be called the journey_

Kyuu cuts Asuka off by placing a finger on her lips and shakes her head.

“It’s okay,” she says. “Their lives had meaning.”

Asuka stares at Kyuu, tears in her eyes, and Kyuu pulls her into a hug, faces barely an inch apart.

“I’m here because of them,” Kyuu says. “Honor them with me.”

She sees Asuka’s eyes widen, sees the moment that the other girl realizes what Kyuu means, and then leans forward to kiss her.

It’s clumsy, but when Asuka closes her eyes and melts against Kyuu’s body the moment is perfect.

_It was worth deceiving the world, for what we had_

They need to keep their relationship a secret, because Asuka doesn’t know how Misato would react.

Mari knows about them, of course — Asuka suspects, in fact, that Mari knew this was going to happen before she did. But nobody else does.

Even so, they’re less reclusive than ever before. Asuka finally gives Kyuu the grand tour of the Wunder, in defiance of Misato’s wishes. They spend time up on the deck, holding hands while out of the sight of patrolling soldiers as they gaze at the ruined world.

They need to keep their relationship a secret, but Asuka refuses to keep Kyuu in a cage.

_We couldn’t keep apart, loners who had found each other_

She knows what that’s like, after all. She knows what it’s like to be stuck in a tiny, cramped space, unable to leave for fear of what might be outside.

Asuka almost wishes that she didn’t, though, because she craves Kyuu’s touch. Every moment that they spend outside, walking six inches apart, makes her anxious.

She thinks Kyuu may feel the same way, given that Asuka always finds herself wrapped in a tight hug by her love the moment they return to their room. When they’re in their room, Kyuu is like a limpet, and Asuka loves it. She refuses to be embarrassed, no matter how much Mari laughs at them.

_What happened on those travels?_

Misato Katsuragi isn’t stupid. She knows Asuka is in love with the clone — what she doesn’t understand is why.

Asuka’s crush on the original Rei had been blindingly obvious and entirely understandable, but this isn’t Rei. This is a clone, and Asuka knows that. Is Asuka truly so desperate, Misato wonders, that she’s displacing her feelings onto an identical replacement?

Ritsuko Akagi, on the other hand, understands far too well. She worked with the Ayanami-types, understands that they’re distinct from each other in ways that are sometimes difficult to put into words. She knows what it is that Asuka sees, knows that what Asuka loves is not the ghost of Rei but rather Kyuu herself.

So perhaps she doesn’t understand all that well after all.

_A look that said inflicting pain was to be expected_

When Asuka finally takes the time to reflect on everything, she wants to vomit.

She allowed herself to be swept into Kyuu’s pace, allowed herself to forget the weight of her sins and be happy. Kyuu called it honoring the sacrifices of the dead, but with the clarity of a sober mind Asuka realizes that it’s nothing but spitting on their graves.

When Kyuu attempts to pull her into a hug, Asuka shoves her away hard enough that she crashes into the wall.

The worst part, she thinks, is that Kyuu doesn’t even look angry about it.

_There wouldn’t have been much to regret_

Kyuu doesn’t look angry, but she should. Asuka wants her to be angry, wants her to hate Asuka like Asuka hates herself.

“I hate you,” Asuka spits. “You made me forget.”

It’s true, she realizes. She loves Kyuu, but she hates her, too; hates her for making Asuka happy.

“You made me forget,” she says, “that you’re not Rei.”

This, though, is a lie. Asuka has never forgotten that Kyuu is not Rei. Kyuu is nothing at all like Rei, and Asuka hates that she loves her anyway.

But they’re words designed to hurt, to cut away at Kyuu’s heart until she feels the same pain that Asuka does, and so whether or not they’re true doesn’t matter at all.

_If only we didn’t have a heart_

Kyuu smiles at Asuka, eyes nothing but gentle and loving, and Asuka wants to hit her.

“It’s okay,” Kyuu tells her. She places a hand on Asuka’s chest, using her other to catch Asuka’s arm mid-swing and bring it down so that she is touching Kyuu’s chest as well. “You have a heart, too.”

Asuka can feel their hearts beating in sync — both a little too fast — and she scowls.

She may have a heart, but she wishes she didn’t. It’s because she has a heart that she feels like this.

_To protect what I loved, I broke many things_

“Some heart I have,” she scoffs. “Do you even know what I’ve done?”

Kyuu just looks at her, and Asuka lets it all pour out.

She tells Kyuu what it feels like to put a hole through the head of someone who resembles the girl you loved, someone who you had only moments before been begging to join you.

She tells Kyuu what it feels like to watch someone who resembles the girl you loved get shot in the back for beginning to listen to you.

She tells Kyuu what it’s like to smell the burnt flesh of someone who resembles the girl you loved and know that, this time, you didn’t even get the chance to try to talk to her.

_So many wishes brought suddenly to an end_

“Any one of them could have been you,” Asuka snarls. “Any one of them could have learned to live for herself. But they never got the chance, because I killed them.”

_Walking across the broken pieces with bare feet_

“That’s true,” Kyuu tells her, hand gently wiping away the tears that Asuka didn’t realize were dripping from her eyes.

_falling with my next step_

And Asuka falls apart.

Her fury is gone, replaced with nothing but despair.

She’s succeeded, she’s sure: Kyuu must hate her now.

She’s alone again.

_I’d accept death with that one step_

“It’s okay,” Kyuu says, and Asuka is engulfed in a loving hug as if nothing has changed between them at all.

_yet that is the one deserving of life_

“It’s okay,” Kyuu repeats. “They would never have blamed you.”

Asuka can only stare at her, unable to comprehend the words she’s hearing.

“They would never have blamed you,” Kyuu repeats. “If you had killed me back when we were fighting, I would not have blamed you.”

Asuka shakes her head. Kyuu has no idea what she is saying.

_That loss, worth giving your heart for_

“It’s because of them that I’m here,” Kyuu tells her. “It’s because of them that I was able to understand that I wasn’t Rei. It’s because of them that you met me.”

“Because I killed them,” Asuka mumbles.

“Yes,” Kyuu agrees. “And if my death had been necessary for one of my successors to meet you, I would have died happy.”

_But sadness can’t make a clean switch for joy_

“I would have been sad, if I knew how,” Kyuu says, “but I would have been happy, too.”

Asuka stares at her.

“I would have been happy,” Kyuu repeats, “to die at the hands of someone who loved me as much as you do. They all felt the same way, I’m sure of it. And every one of them would have wanted you to be happy.”

And Asuka cries.

_What happened on those travels?_

She cries, and Kyuu holds her.

Is it true, Asuka wonders? Could Kyuu be right? Could the Ayanami sisters really want her to be happy? Could Rei… want her to be… happy…?

Could it be that Asuka has been hating herself not because the Ayanami sisters wished it, but because Asuka wished it? Has all of her pain truly been so selfish?

_The answer is what I am now_

Kyuu tilts Asuka’s head to stare into her eyes and presses a soft kiss to her lips.

“I love you,” Kyuu says.

_Hope, we could have thrown it away so simply_

Asuka’s breath catches in her throat.

It’s the first time anyone has said those words to her since she was a small child, those three simple words that she’s wanted to hear for so many years.

And just like that, she believes Kyuu. She believes everything that Kyuu has told her, no matter how impossible it may sound.

How could she possibly doubt someone who loves her?

_If only we didn’t have hearts_

They don’t hide their relationship anymore. Asuka proudly holds Kyuu’s hand as they walk through the Wunder, presses defiant kisses to her cheeks when Misato is watching. She sits in Kyuu’s lap in the cafeteria, declares her love for all to hear when Kyuu smiles at her.

For the first time in many years, Asuka is afraid. She has something precious again, something irreplaceable; the fear of losing Kyuu to Gendo Ikari’s mad crusade is ever-present, but she crumples it up and shoves it into a dark corner of her heart.

She won’t let fear rule her, not again.

_Light and Darkness_

After all, she has Kyuu by her side. She can’t imagine losing, not when she has Kyuu’s support.

They’ll defeat NERV and SEELE and whatever other forces may crawl out of the woodwork and build a life for themselves, even in this ruined world.

Because they have each other, and that is enough.


	2. Kotodama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place during the last chapter at some point between "If only we didn’t have a heart" and "I made a friend, we shared ideals."

“Living with the princess treating you all right?” Mari asks carelessly, lounging back in her seat.

“Yes,” Kyuu says. “Spending time with Asuka is pleasant.”

Mari stares at her, wide eyes gazing at something that does not exist in this world. “You smiled,” she whispers.

“I am sorry?” Kyuu answers, tilting her head.

“No!” Mari hisses, hands gripping Kyuu’s shoulders tightly enough that the blue-haired girl wonders if it will leave a mark. “Never apologize for that. Never!” She sighs, releases Kyuu from her grasp, and turns around. “You should smile more,” she says, voice choked, and then she’s gone.

Kyuu reaches up and touches her mouth. She’s not sure what a smile should feel like, but she doesn’t think she has one on her face. She thinks for a moment, then rises from her chair and slips out into the hallway.

Asuka has told her not to leave the room alone, not even to use the bathroom, but Kyuu is certain that she can finish her errand before Asuka returns and notices that she is missing. She is, after all, only visiting the bathroom to look in a mirror.

She sees a few soldiers on her way. They give her suspicious glances, but none make to approach her, and the trip is uneventful.

As Kyuu had thought, there is no smile on her face. She frowns — Mari said she should smile, but how did a smile work? She had, if the other girl was to be trusted, been smiling earlier. What was the difference between then and now?

“Yes,” Kyuu whispers, staring at her reflection. “Spending time with Asuka is pleasant.”

And there it was. As soon as Asuka’s name left her lips, she was smiling. It was small, nothing like Mari’s wide grins — more like the small twitch of the lips that Asuka sometimes had when she looked at Kyuu.

“Asuka,” Kyuu repeats. “Asuka. Ah-su-ka.”

The smile appears every time she says Asuka’s name, and the more she says it the larger the smile seems to get.

And it’s not just a smile, either — her body feels warm, almost like Asuka is right there with her.

“Asuka,” Kyuu says. “Asuka. Asuka. Asuka.”

She’s really smiling now, enough that her cheeks are creased.

It’s her favorite word, she decides. It’s the name of her savior, the one who gave her the key to becoming more than just the next in a succession of dolls bearing the name ‘Rei Ayanami.’ It’s the name of the one who led Kyuu through the desert, the one who argued with her own allies to save Kyuu’s life.

“Asuka,” Kyuu says.

Kyuu now knows that Mari was right when she said that Kyuu could love.

‘Asuka’ is Kyuu’s favorite word, the name of the one that she loves.

Kyuu walks out of the bathroom. Her smile is once again small, but no less real for it.

In the hallway, preparing to enter the bathroom herself, is Misato Katsuragi. The woman doesn’t speak, just gives Kyuu a cold stare, then shoves past her.

Kyuu’s smile is gone. She feels alone and trapped, the gazes of the soldiers passing her by suddenly seeming much more hostile than they had only minutes before.

“Asuka,” Kyuu whispers.

And she smiles.


End file.
